Safe Space
Songs: Beauty Marks by Ciara; You Are My Friend by Patti LaBelle
In nearly 54 years of life, I am slowly realizing that I have NEVER had a safe space in my life. Oh, I have provided a safe space for many--including those who were toxic to me. I have survived childhood sexual violence at age 8. I have dodged soooooo many attempts at sexual aggression from teachers, peers, co-workers and random strangers. I have survived domestic violence inflicted by both a spouse and a male sibling. First by the male sibling. I married the first person who showed interest in me with haste to get away from that. I honestly wanted to create a home that would be a safe space. He turned out to be the same demon I was fleeing from. In less than a year, I left that abuser and wound up back under the same roof with the first abuser. By the time I was 26, I abandoned the idea of safety.
Fast forward to April 2022 when my safety was questioned in an inbox "friend" group I created after my sister passed away in 2014. The group consisted of women I knew in high school who I felt safe with. I was completely myself with them. I was confident in my vulnerability. Then one of them threw a proverbial glass of water in my face when she typed in the chat that she was done biting her tongue and went on to express concern about my desire to reach out to people in prison with no concern whatsoever for the safety of myself, my children or my mother. I watched the rest of the group observe our exchange in silence. I interpreted their silence as complicity with her views. I felt judged, humiliated and unwelcome in the very safe space that I created. I immediately left the group with the final resolution that nothing was safe for me in this world. I'm a safe person who has never been made to feel safe. Imagine that! *insert bitter laugh*
With 6 months of solid communication and friendship momentum under my belt with Edwin, I didn't feel alone. I felt the void though. I told God how scared I was. I asked Him to please cover me...strengthen me...reveal my errors to me...direct and correct my path. The first answer to my prayers was simply, "Trust him." I countered with, "God, what if they're right?" The answer came back the same, but with a little extra. "He trusts you. Trust him."
My trust in Edwin directly correlates with the reaffirmation of my trust in God. On 12/18/21, a woman walked up to me in the grocery store and began to tell me things about myself that she couldn't possibly know because we'd never met. The most important things she told me was that my two unborn baby boys were my angels and that I had to shed the self-loathing I was prisoner to. When she hugged me, I felt the shackles break off of my spirit. From that point on, I began to lean into God without question. So when He instructed me to lean into Edwin, there was no choice but to obey.
"Come as you are" was (and still is) Edwin's directive for me and how he wants me to approach our relationship. Transparency. Brutal honesty. Emotional nudity, showing all the scars. The big one for me...coming out of masculine energy survival mode. *big ol' sigh* The same way it may be challenging to put all of one's trust in a God that can't be seen, it was a trip to put all of my trust in a man who I've never seen nor touched. Then again, I've trusted dudes whose proximities were close enough to throw a bag of shit at only to be grossly disappointed. I should've thrown the bag of shit in retrospect. So what did I have to lose? At that point, I didn't give a fuck about losses. I was so desperate to finally win in life that I had no choice but to obey. Spiritually and emotionally beat the fuck up, I went to Edwin as is.
The main thing that drew me to him was his mind. Of all the friends I've had, no one has ever displayed a mindset quite like his. Since he thought differently, he spoke differently. I've had some great conversations in my life, but simply listening to him in silence has been the experience of a lifetime for me. The fasting...the praying...the way he knows The Word...his relationship with God...how he walks in his faith. It all made me look at myself; question myself and set a higher bar for me to reach. He inspires me to not only be a better me, but the best possible me. I've never had a friend light that kind of fire in my life.
Back to the masculine energy survival mode. THAT was a biiiiiiitch. Always having to be ten toes down on the "I got this" square was tiring. It'll mess up your back, feet and (most important) your mind. Edwin can tell when I'm holding back on something by my tone of voice or demeanor. I had to learn to give it all to him and not spare him simply because he's locked up. I had to learn to relax. Ultimately, it was me learning to completely trust without holding my breath, closing my eyes and putting my hands over my ears to anticipate the blow-up. The more I leaned on him, the lighter I felt. I get to be soft.
I can't begin to explain how clean my spirit feels once I learned to bathe myself in my husband's love. To just lie back and let its warmth surround me. To look up at the sky and see infinity...and the fluffy clouds shaped like animals. To draw deep breaths and my chest doesn't hurt. To know that all the trauma and shame are long gone down the drain. To know that my entire life as a safe space now that he's in it.